I’ve been with Tom for eleven years, and it seems like most of that time I have been wondering if I should leave. He’s a binge drinker who isn’t too bad much of the time but when he goes on a bender, watch out! After every binge I promise myself I’m going to leave so that eventually I can be happy. Then I change my mind a hundred times and think things will get better. Until the next time. This past year I’ve talked to a lot of people about it and they’ve been giving me good advice but I don’t seem to be able to make up my mind. What’s your advice?”
There’s actually a classic song by the Clash: “Should I Stay or Should I Go?”
Sample lyrics: “This indecision’s killing me… if I go there will be trouble. If I stay it will be double.”
You’re apparently in the advice-gathering stage. Always good to collect opinions from others. But when you feel you’ve talked to enough people, try applying this ‘impact analysis’ to the issue.
Question: “If I left, what would be the likely impact in the following areas?”
Use a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being a big concern for you, and 1 being no concern at all. We’re more interested in the impact on you than the person with alcoholism.
Family reaction: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Financial status: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Dependent children: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Your personal safety: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Your emotional state: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
What others outside the family will think: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Living arrangements: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Now repeat the exercise, this time with a different question: “If I stay, what will be the likely impact in these areas?”
Family reaction: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Financial status: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Dependent children: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Your personal safety: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Your emotional state: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
What others outside family will think: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Living arrangements: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
It does require a bit of thought. For instance, is there the potential for a domestic violence incident if you stay? Are there kids to consider? The exercise allows you to identify what’s most important to you – those are the issues that likely have you stuck in place.
It’s seldom an easy decision, and it deserves some careful analysis.
But here’s the homely truth: you can’t have it both ways. At some point, you have to decide.
— July 31, 2014 @ 
